Leaning over the balcony

I remember when

2009-10-19T08:47:00.002-05:00

Last night I was thinking about Chris' life and what it meant. As much as I try to figure out what my meaning in my life meant, I never will. It's just one big guessing game and sadly until I die I will never know what my life amounted to on Earth. My life's work isn't what it does to me, I'm not important in this equation, my life's work is the impact it will have on the world after I am gone. Whether I changed one person's opinion, whether one soul within the billions had some intangible effect on another soul. If I can do that then I think my life would have meaning. Since I cannot figure out how my life will impact other people, I was thinking about how Chris' life impacted mine, and oh how his did. I was so young and confused when I met him, his life and story made me realize you can find genuine good people somewhere, it's just a matter of finding them. He taught me there will never be something wrong with me, to never look back at all those people who had hurt me, and he taught me to be fearless. Maybe his fearlessness was his fatal flaw and is what killed him, that I might never know. But what I do know is those nights I had with him belong to us, and those nights are what kept me alive in a time in my life where I was spiraling so far, so fast, he was my angel.

Midnight on a school night

2009-09-28T00:02:00.001-05:00

I wish I had to courage to talk to you more often because you have treated me better then anyone else in my life.

Did you get to do everything you wanted?

2009-09-26T07:56:00.002-05:00

Dear Rory,
I miss you terribly. It's so hard to force myself to not think about you, because I can't. You hurt me, abused me, used me, but I still miss you. I guess I don't want to forget all you taught me, and I hope you won't try to forget me. In a way I wish we can go back to those five hour phone conversations, but I know we can't and we never will. So all I can hope is without me you can go and find everything you ever wanted out there, that all your dreams and aspirations will come true. Because, even though you hate me, a part of me hopes you would wish the same for me.

I think another reason why I'm thinking about you is I heard your song for me, and I keep listening to it. I used to not be able to listen to it, but now I can and it makes me happy that at a time you thought of me that way. It's so hard because I shouldn't care for you, miss you, crave you, but I do. I just keep thinking about how you used to be, but you changed in a way I hated, you changed into a person I never want to know. Someone who hated his best friend, his life, and himself and all he did was take it out on a fifteen year old girl.

And with that

2009-08-23T22:51:00.003-05:00

Summer is gone.

Kicked out of my house, got into a car crash, got a puppy, got in touch with Brandon again.

This school year will be interesting.

Summer Colours

2009-06-05T20:20:00.003-05:00

I've realized I go through phases with my colour palette's for my clothing, last year I wore variations of only primary colours and jeans, this fall/winter I was all about clashing colours, neon, etc, and then this late winter/spring I was obsessed with metallics. Now I'm in a softer, muted phase. Not exactly pastel because the colours are a little more saturated like this palette I made:

Color by COLOURlovers

I'm also adoring lace, off-whites and silk.

This monday

2009-05-31T20:08:00.001-05:00

I hope I realize even if I crash and burn over and over, I'm still better then anything you made me to be.

While the oceans sang

2009-05-30T18:45:00.002-05:00

I swear SupraDarky has never steered me wrong with music.

I've never played the game before and I was having some trouble figuring out what this reminded me of. I thought at first it was reminiscent of Besaid Island from Final Fantasy X, but then I realized it wasn't quite that. Then it made me think of a beautiful ocean-side town, bursting with life. With a rocky beach that children would watch the sunset, and teenagers watch the sunrise. The balmy breeze left your skin tingling with energy, then slowed down to a stubble cold sear.

Loki

2009-05-29T00:26:00.003-05:00

This is mostly a to-do list for future posts but oh my gosh, this may be some of the mose beautiful composed music I've ever heard.

I've never heard of the games for the PS2 but if any of the other music is as beautifiul as this I think I'll give it a chance.

And now for future posts:

-Disney World Recap

-Colour Scheme for Spring

-Song Analysis of Disloyal Order of the Water Buffaloes

Life has been dreadfully busy the past month, with Acen, Disney World and now finals but it's fine since there are only two more days of school left!

Oh my

2009-05-25T15:29:00.000-05:00

Back from Disney World, will write about it later.

I don't think there's ever been a memorial day where it didn't rain.

Soft Labyrinth

2009-05-14T18:49:00.000-05:00

Before yesterday I had never heard of Baten Kaitos a RPG for the gamecube, and I know absolutely nothing about this game except the fact Motoi Sakuraba composed it's music, and thats good enough for me.

It reminds me of the ending levels of Tales of Symphonia (fitting since it is also a gamecube RPG) and I love it. It reminds me of a gothic dungeon that you are either breaking into (of course I haven't played the game yet but I'm sure this probably doesn't happen)

I offocially am majoring crushing on Motoi Sakuraba's composing skills.

Right kind of Wrong

2009-05-10T21:56:00.002-05:00

Acen was absolutely amazing and beautiful.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend in about an hour.

Coyote Ugly is an inexplainble beautiful movie, and one of my favourite poems:

MORNING and evening
Maids heard the goblins cry:
"Come buy our orchard fruits,
Come buy, come buy:
Apples and quinces,
Lemons and oranges,
Plump unpecked cherries-
Melons and raspberries,
Bloom-down-cheeked peaches,
Swart-headed mulberries,
Wild free-born cranberries,
Crab-apples, dewberries,
Pine-apples, blackberries,
Apricots, strawberries--
All ripe together
In summer weather--
Morns that pass by,
Fair eves that fly;
Come buy, come buy;
Our grapes fresh from the vine,
Pomegranates full and fine,
Dates and sharp bullaces,
Rare pears and greengages,
Damsons and bilberries,
Taste them and try:
Currants and gooseberries,
Bright-fire-like barberries,
Figs to fill your mouth,
Citrons from the South,
Sweet to tongue and sound to eye,
Come buy, come buy."

Off to Acen

2009-05-08T02:52:00.001-05:00

Going to Acen (anime central) will be back with many many pictures on Sunday.

2009-05-03T16:10:00.001-05:00

I'm back together with the boy I fell in love with 3 years ago.

Sometimes too honest?

2009-04-27T21:49:00.004-05:00

Beautiful day too, it was raining and was absolutely gorgeous. I got all dressed up then proceeded to play in the rain and go puddle-stompin'. I took out my camera and got what I thought was some beautiful photos and here are my favourites-

Mhmm

2009-04-27T21:38:00.000-05:00

I'm terrified I might fall in love with Kaze.

Love Love Love

2009-04-22T23:41:00.002-05:00

I'm loving Tristan Prettyman's music. Her voice is just so sweet and smooth it makes me wish I had such talent as her.
As I was listening to her song Love Love Love

Which brings me to what I love...

-The fact my best friend Kaze has no idea when I flirt with him.

-This picture

-My new rhyming dictionary.

-Digimon Season 1.

The forest

2009-04-19T11:03:00.002-05:00

I'm kinda perpetually in love with the forest. The creeks the soft patches of grass and the winding trails make me swoon. I actually live in a small forest with creeks on both side of my house and it's insanely fun to explore, we actually found a briefcase (scary!) on Friday, and when we opened it (and noteable terribly afraid it could be a dead body, drugs, or money) it was just an old regular briefcase. Notes, files, and business cards all included. The one thing I dont like about the forest near my home is that theres no grass, just mud and dirt. Which brings me to this picture that I can't stop staring at.

My God

2009-04-16T15:07:00.001-05:00

Some people are absolutely insane. 4 hours with social workers and nothing got resolved at all, and I get the joy of having a migraine.

And Marisa, if you read this.
Go fuck yourself you liar.

Sincerity

2009-04-14T23:37:00.001-05:00

I love my mother and I don't tell her enough, but I'm just scared shes going to die and the last thing she will hear from me is "I don't care".

The biggest bitch is Anxiety

2009-04-14T16:46:00.002-05:00

Drama at school. Again.

I hate the pit feeling in your stomach from anxiety, like your going to throw up but you can't. The problem with me is I haven't thrown up since I was 6 so about 10 years, the feeling eats away at you. Curling up in a ball doesn't work, neither does Xanex. And of course the week I need my therapist the most she isn't there, its very annoying and tiring.

Save me

2009-04-10T17:50:00.002-05:00

The past two days have been Horrid, so here's somethings I love.

-Slasher Possibly my favourite online game ever, I can spend hours and hours playing this game.

-My new pink bag from Urban Outfitters, pictures when I get my camera back.

-Wife Swap. Going to watch it right after I finish writing this.

-Honeydew melons too, which I'm eating right now.

-George Orwell.

Right behind you

2009-04-06T17:17:00.002-05:00

Gave my speech on why Twilight is destroying America today, got a 100 on it too!

I swear Ben 10 is taking over my life, I miss actual great shows like this. Shows like Teen Titans and Digimon where the characters are complex and their flaws are what make you relate to them, their insecurities their real life's and how they overcome it. I love Ben Tennyson and how he went from the whiny brat who wanted adventure to a hero who tries to protect those who he loves (Naruto-esque but without every good character dieing, I mean honesty WTF has Kishimoto Masashi been smoking?). And then theres Gwen who is badass and even though she doesn't have powers she still keeps up just as good (sometimes even better) then the boys, and Kevin the adorable ex-con who tries to act tough but just wants to be accepted. A little cliche but what isn't?

No wonder I've been obcessed with Ben 10 amv's
I've watched this video more times then I should admit.

I usually hate yaoi, but it's so hilarious! Actually yaoi is okay but Kevin X Ben creeps me out just a little bit.

I prefer Gwen X Kevin much much more.

Oh Insomia

2009-04-03T02:26:00.002-05:00

It's 2:30am and I have to go to school at 7:30am. I'm just re-practicing my Why Twilight is Destructive speech over and over again. I find it so odd that when I get 6 hours of sleep I'm drozy throughout the day but when I get 3-4 I'm incredibly hyper, it's probably because my body views the 3hours of sleep as a nap?

I'm adoring this music

Final Fantasy X was the first real RPG I've played and it's still my favourite. I love the complex plot and how much it shocked me and how attached I became to the characters and how I could relate to their flaws. The music is also what got me started for my love of instrumental music, I loved how you could evoke feelings without having to say words. Instrumental music doesn't need to tell the listener that the song is suppose to make you feel sad, or happy, or whatever because the music speaks for itself.

What a cliche day

2009-03-30T21:59:00.002-05:00

Got 3 hours of sleep then went to school and had a horrible day, forgot my gym clothes, my math binder, and was an anxious wreck the whole day. Then I got home and started fighting with my brother, got sick of it and asked my Aunt if she wanted to go out and we did along with my Uncle. We went to Fuddrucker's and everyone had awesome burgers (Fuddrucker's is one out of two places I will eat burgers so its a big deal) Then I went home, took a nice warm bath, cuddled up all snug in my bed for an hour and read a book then came online and started eating chocolate ice cream. Weird how quick a day goes from bad to good.

I swear I'm the dork queen

2009-03-26T19:38:00.003-05:00

Monday went to Naperville with Dee to visit my Uncle.
Tuesday Mackenzie came over and helped me clean the basement.
Wednesday I went to the doctor, then ended up playing Digimon world for 3 hours.

I've actually never beat this game because I'm a loser and need the guide book (I know I can just look it up online but I rather have it in front of me) but if I find a guide book on ebay I'm getting it right away. Which brings me to what I did today which was basically just listen to the Tales of Symphonia soundtrack I got off ebay and watch Ben 10 amvs.

Twink was my favourite

2009-03-23T02:01:00.002-05:00

Lots of things happened today.

Went to eat with my grandpa, played tennis and got attacked by a giant poodle, sent a mean voicemail to a bitch, played with sidewalk chalk and watched Rock of Love Bus.

I wish summer would come soon, there's alot I wanna do mostly replay Paper Mario. I'm a tad obsessed with the music.

Twink's theme, Twink is the little happy star who all he could do was help Princess Peach make small wishes to send Mario messages. I wish I had this as my ringtone for my phone!

Therapy from Comic Books

2009-03-21T16:02:00.006-05:00

Today I went to my therapist for the first time, she was really nice. Hopefully I'll be able to figure out my life and myself, after my therapist we went to the local comic book store, I love it there it makes me feel at home.

I love these magnets I got, there really strong too. My favourites are the owl and pigeon smoking a cigarette ones.

I also got something called a pandapple, it's a pen and I pretty much got it because it's fucking adorable.

Then of course I got my pocky, but a new pocky too called marble pocky. Marble pocky is basically the same as the regular, except the chocolate is thicker.

I love when days go wonderful, the only downside is i got razor burn today ow.

And the winner is

2009-03-20T22:43:00.006-05:00

My 11 year old brother decided today he was going to write a book, and deticate it to me.

It's the happiest I've been in 14 months.